Sometimes I think life is like a vortex, spinning and spinning out of control. The more control we begin to lose in our life, the bigger the bang is going to be-thus the black hole.
Now sometimes a black hole can be a good thing; throwing away the trash from our past, not needing to hang onto the garbage that just seemed to bring us down. Like that love that was unrequited. Or that fight with your best friend. Or just all that bad stuff that happened, that holding onto would become a worm and fester in your soul.
Lately, I have been trying to dump all the bad things and try to grasp the good things. What an incredibily difficult task this is turning out to be! My mind is clouded with a discomfort, making it next to impossible, sometimes, to think. I want the best in life, I actually want a life, but of late, I have been teetering on the edge of wanting to give up.
I wish I could have a sign posted on my body somewhere that states the torment that tramples over my nerve endings. Maybe if there was something telling people how my knees burn, they wouldn't stare at me. I haven't decided whether their eyes are boring into me because of the cane/crutches I need to use to walk, or the weight that is piling on my bones because I can't walk. I just want to yell at them and tell them that all their gawking isn't making me feel much better, that if they knew me better, they would know that I wasn't always like this.
I don't want to go to stores anymore, it's to hard to move around for very long. I can't do much in the way of travel, so I am becoming homebound.
My world is becoming a black hole. I am swirling around, out of control, my body, once thrashing, is now relaxing, enjoying the blackness. Yes, I am ready to say goodbye, but I have too many loose ends, too many people depending on me.
I have been noticing lately that my skin on my knees has become hyper-sensitive. So, not only do the inside of my knees hurt, but I hate to even touch the outside of them. I finally got a reprieve from pain, but then, not really. I have a new doctor and you know how new doctors are about, they want to make sure you are not in there getting pain meds, so they give you as little as possible. But that is okay, I have some to help for now.
This is not a blog of suicide, this is not a blog of murder, this is MY blog of what I feel.
8/9/09
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1 comment:
I totally get wanting a sign for the people who stare.. And I absolutely to my very bones know the intense pain.. My biggest thing is that I wish people would realize that I wasn't always "this way". I was somebody.. Hard to describe. I know I'm somebody just not the somebody I was..
And I know to my core the feeling of wanting to just lie down never to arise again..
I know there is nothing I or anyone else can say to make you feel better but I hope you get some relief as you continue to go to the dr. and they finally realize that you're not a drug dealing pill popper adict, you're a woman in the most excruciating of all pain and you just want something to make it go away!
Feel as good as you can, do what you're able and if you can't then you can't and maybe tomorrow..
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