The Bitch in Bitchology

B-balanced
I-incredible
T-tough
C-charming
H-humerous

Everyone should have at least one "bitch" in the family. It makes for adventure, good laughs, and life as a never ending lesson to learn by.

Some dictionaries say a bitch is:

1. Someone who annoys or whines incessantly.
2. Someone who rides in the middle on the front seat of the vehicle.
3. Someone who performs slavish duties-down grading themselves.
4. A man whose girlfriend tells him what to do and he does it.
5. A female who is cruel to men.
6. A female with an attitude problem.

I say none of this applies to the strong women who graduate Bitchology.

· We don’t whine, we make you whine!
· We would never ride in the middle of the seat; we will be driving the car!
· We will never be anyone’s slave!
· We would never treat a man like a child, we are done raising children, he either better be a man, or move on asshole!
· We are never cruel to men, we tell them like the honest truth!
· We don’t have attitude problems until someone starts something with us, then maybe we might be a little inclined to put you in your place!

I am a student of "Bitchology"

BITCHOLOGY

I was cleaning my bedroom the other day, when I found some old degrees I had. One was a high school diploma, the other an Associate’s Degree I had gotten years ago. I realized sometime later that I was missing the most important degree I could ever achieve; it was my PH.D in “Bitchology”. Now, it has taken me years to earn this lofty title and it is one that I am especially gifted in and damned proud to have.

Bitchology is an academic unlike any others. There is no theory behind it, unless of course, you are a man on the receiving end, then you think you know what it is all about, think again men. Otherwise, Bitchology is all about the practice of.

Bitchology 101

When you first enter the course, lesson one; you are still naïve, hopeful, optimistic, and promising. You go into the world thinking you can change it for the better, that people are basically truthful, honest, and good. But when the study of human nature begins, you slowly begin to realize things are not as you hoped. Of all the people you meet, maybe one in 25 is close to what you had hoped everyone would be. But still you remain cheerful, you smile, you are polite, you use all the lessons your mother taught you. Then you begin to see and think that maybe most people weren’t taught the essential lessons going up that you were taught.

You start seeing that so many people aren’t honest, with you or themselves. You see people that judge others by the property they own, where they live, how they dress. You see people that say one thing and do another. You see people that use other people to get what they want in life. You start to see life isn’t always fair and that sometimes Karma doesn’t get the bad people in the end.

I recall one of the first lessons I had to learn in Bitchology and that was to learn to say the word “no”. That had to be one of the hardest tests I had ever taken, but I am so glad I was able to pass that. At first, the look on people’s faces were priceless, they had never expected me to say no. But it was also hard, I felt like I was hurting people’s feelings; it wouldn’t be until later on that I would learn that feelings don’t really count.

Your eyes open slowly at first; you are called a “bitch” before you have truly grasped what the word means. There are times you find yourself crying over some small thing that was done to you. But as you progress through the course, you learn that being a bitch becomes a state of mind, rather than a name that someone might call you. You become more confident in who you are, what you can do, and where life is actually leading you. No longer do you need to depend on other’s to make your life “perfect”, but you learn what things in your life make you happy. You no longer care what others think of you, you don’t care what society thinks you are suppose to be, you become more secure in all the things that make you who you are.

Lesson two is learning not to let people take advantage of you. This goes hand in hand with the first lesson. If you can’t say no, you cannot go on to the next lesson. I was such a push over when I was younger. I have a slight OCD problem and have a tendency to collect items. For example, old vinyl records; I got on a buying spree and bought quite a few in the 80’s. But I hated to have them scratched, so I would record them to cassette tape and put the records away for later.

People would come to my house and see my collection and oh and awe over it. They would then ask for the record and I would give it to them, feeling all warm and gooey inside for giving them a gift; until later. Then I would kick myself and think what a pushover I was and I would get sick to my stomach. But it happened over and over, until I learned to say no! Every once in a while I fall back on this lesson, but come quickly to my senses. In some ways, I test people to see how far they are going to go in taking, before offering something in return, to see how much of a leach they truly are.

In some ways, I tend to let people run over me. If I see a homeless person, someone in need, or an animal that needs help, I am more than willing to help out as much as I can, to a point. A lesson my grandmother taught me was, “God helps those, who help themselves.” I actually apply this to people too. I see how much they are willing to do for themselves before I make a commitment to help them very much. If I see they are doing the best they can and still need help, I am more than willing to help, when it applies to this instance, I don’t think of them taking advantage. Unless it goes on for months and months, them asking for stuff and never offering to help in return, then I tend to get really grumpy and stop helping them, actually cutting off ties with them for a while, until I can calm down. I think of helping people, like the barter system; each gives what they can to insure the equality of each action or transaction.

Lesson three is learn new things, become more self dependent. Learning how to do things is so basic. If a child can learn, an adult can too. If you feel overwhelmed, start small, like how to fix the inside of a toilet tank. That is very basic; if your toilet runs all the time, this is a great way to learn something new.

When I was younger I always knew that I would get married and have babies and raise a family; as a unit, as a whole. Well, things didn’t always turn out the way I wanted. I went through some very rough patches in my life, thought I was at the end of my rope, sometimes not wanting to go on, because I didn’t see any solution to making a better life. I had babies without the benefit of a partner, I raised my family without a spouse, I did all the things I didn’t want to do, as I was growing up.

But I had everything I needed in life! I had a house I was buying, I had a car, with no payments, I had a job; I started out at the bottom of this company and worked my butt off to become management. I never received support for my eldest daughter and for my youngest; I didn’t receive support until she was 5. I did all this on $6.30 an hour.

I didn’t know much about cars, but I learned. I went to the library and would check out the Chilton’s manual on my car; one year I put brakes on for my birthday, it was the first time I had ever done it, but I did it by myself. My father actually stopped by to wish me a happy birthday and asked what I was doing; he had been a mechanic in the military. When I told him, he kind of laughed and gave me some pointers; but by then I had already made it past the pointer stage.

The library became a regular stop for years; at one point I became a librarian, I was in the library so much they offered me a job, which I took.

I learned all the basic components of a car, how to change oil, how to change tires, how to change master cylinders, how to change heater cores, how to change alternators, and more. I also learned how a swamp cooler worked, I learned how to change a heating element out of a dryer, I learned how to apply shingles on a roof, I learned how to clean a television set from all the dust to make it work better, I learned how to put tiles up on a bathroom wall; anything and everything around the house I could tinker with, I did; all of this I learned by myself and did it, regardless of other people thought. I became “Miss Fix-it”; other people would come to me for advice.

But I was willing to learn and that is a big hurdle for some people. They are so afraid of learning anything, for fear of failure; they just won’t try to do anything new. The first time I ever changed a tire, a neighbor actually came over to my house. I had never met the neighbor, but she didn’t know what to do, her car had a flat and she had to go to an appointment. I said, no problem, I could change that tire, just give me a few minutes. I had it changed in less than fifteen minutes, I was damned proud of myself and she thought I had done it before; maybe it was beginner’s luck, but we became fast friends after that. I was never afraid to try, if it was possible. Now I don’t like working with electricity, I’ve been plenty shocked, in fact one time I saw the front of a television turned bright purple and knew that wasn’t a good sign, so I threw that TV away.

You just have to try; it’s amazing how much you can do if you try. Even if you are with a significant other, learn new things, it gives you confidence like nothing else can.

One time I went into a repair business in a town 25 miles away from where I lived. I was looking for a specific part for a kitchen appliance. The salesman asked me where I was from, I told him. He laughed and said he thought so, because people from where I live tend to work on their own appliances instead of calling for a repairman. I told him, it costs too much to have a repairman come out and fix things. He nodded his head and said he knew and asked if I had any questions about fixing the appliance. I told him no, I was good. I paid for my piece and left with a smile on my face.

The fourth lesson is all about standing up for yourself; it is one of the scariest things for a woman to do and that is to stand on her own two feet and not be dependent on anyone. I have met so many women that don’t think they can do it on their own; they think they need a man in their life, even if he is abusive. I get so discouraged by the way some women feel their life doesn’t amount to much unless a man is a part of it.

No one else has your best interest at heart, so if you don’t want to stand up, remember no one else will. Over the years, I actually learned to turn the table on the opposite sex. I learned that it was time to play by my rules, not theirs.

I do believe this was almost a graduation period for me, because all the power I wanted, I had. Things were done the way I wanted them done, in the time I wanted them done, and the place I wanted them done. I did not allow others to look down at me; I took care of my business promptly and efficiently. If someone didn’t like me, I really didn’t care; it’s not like I was out to make new friends. I was able to say what I wanted to say with little disregard for others reactions. I didn’t care if I hurt your feelings; I was going to tell you the truth not considering what you felt. I became honest, open, free, and happy; I became me.

I almost let it go when I got married. I had not graduated quite yet, I was still looking for that fairy tale ending. I became that woman again, who felt they needed someone else in their life that would define who they were. I was afraid to grow old by myself; now I know, I am better for me than anyone else.

It took me a couple of years, but I got out of that bad relationship because he took from me every lesson I had learned. I think one of the best moments in my marriage was when we were fighting, it was horrible, he was yelling, I was yelling, and he called me a “f**king bitch”. I instantly became calm, felt a kind of joy pass through me and I turned to him and said “Thank you, that’s the nicest thing you could have said to me.” He became even more enraged, but I didn’t feel the anger or the fear he would normally put in me. I remained calm and even smiled. He finally knew he wasn’t going to get a rise out of me, so he stormed out of the house.

It was a defining moment for me. It finally woke me up and I set my mind to getting out of that relationship, because he was poisoning who I was, who I had become. He slowly had taken my laughter, my pride, my freedom, my self-worth from me, and I was letting him, but no more. It would take some time for me to get free, lots of violence because he did not want to let me walk away from him without him truly destroying everything about me. He would, during this time, try to kill me.

I got out, luckily, all in one piece. Financially, I had to start over, my credit was now horrible, and I couldn’t get credit to save my life. I had to find a new job that had insurance, so I started out again at ten cents above minimum wage. I worked, cleaned up the credit-it is a work in progress, actually bought a car, bought another house-be it a trailer house that I ended up giving away, started a 401K account, became independent again. What a great feeling! I again have worked my way up in my company, from the bottom up and now I am doing very well for myself, I again am a graduate of Bitchology and will proudly carry that title until I die.

A Black Hole

Sometimes I think life is like a vortex, spinning and spinning out of control. The more control we begin to lose in our life, the bigger the bang is going to be-thus the black hole.

Now sometimes a black hole can be a good thing; throwing away the trash from our past, not needing to hang onto the garbage that just seemed to bring us down. Like that love that was unrequited. Or that fight with your best friend. Or just all that bad stuff that happened, that holding onto would become a worm and fester in your soul.

Lately, I have been trying to dump all the bad things and try to grasp the good things. What an incredibily difficult task this is turning out to be! My mind is clouded with a discomfort, making it next to impossible, sometimes, to think. I want the best in life, I actually want a life, but of late, I have been teetering on the edge of wanting to give up.

I wish I could have a sign posted on my body somewhere that states the torment that tramples over my nerve endings. Maybe if there was something telling people how my knees burn, they wouldn't stare at me. I haven't decided whether their eyes are boring into me because of the cane/crutches I need to use to walk, or the weight that is piling on my bones because I can't walk. I just want to yell at them and tell them that all their gawking isn't making me feel much better, that if they knew me better, they would know that I wasn't always like this.

I don't want to go to stores anymore, it's to hard to move around for very long. I can't do much in the way of travel, so I am becoming homebound.

My world is becoming a black hole. I am swirling around, out of control, my body, once thrashing, is now relaxing, enjoying the blackness. Yes, I am ready to say goodbye, but I have too many loose ends, too many people depending on me.

I have been noticing lately that my skin on my knees has become hyper-sensitive. So, not only do the inside of my knees hurt, but I hate to even touch the outside of them. I finally got a reprieve from pain, but then, not really. I have a new doctor and you know how new doctors are about, they want to make sure you are not in there getting pain meds, so they give you as little as possible. But that is okay, I have some to help for now.

This is not a blog of suicide, this is not a blog of murder, this is MY blog of what I feel.