Pain and reflection

Here is my truth, my confession:
I have severe degenerative joint arthritis disease. It’s not a killing disease in the sense that the body does not stop breathing, stop thinking, stop feeling. But it is a killing disease in other ways.
My disease is in both of my knees.
I played softball when I was younger; I was very good, very dedicated to the sport. As I was growing up I wasn’t good at anything, until I found softball. I could play any position, and I gave it everything I had, until I became the most valuable player in my league. Then one year in practice, I was jumping up for a fly when I heard a pop, when I landed on my feet my knee went backwards; I had torn the ligament in my knee. But instead of going to the doctor right away, I played on that knee the rest of the season. I finally went to the doctor and had two nails and a staple put in my leg to fix my problems. But I wasn’t finished torturing myself. I only made it to physical therapy one time and then I high-tailed it out of state and never went back to therapy. So I destroyed my other knee in the process of limping around for a year.
But it didn’t really catch up to me for almost twenty years. I had pain in the surgery knee for all of those twenty years, but it became more and more unbearable.
So now I have severe degenerative joint arthritis disease and I am dying a little more each day. I can’t walk or more accurately limp, for more than fifty feet without my knees wanting to buckle under the pain. I can’t climb any kind of incline or stair. I can’t sit or lie in any position long or my knees begin to freeze up and hurt. So I have delegated myself to wanting to do nothing. I feel a part of me slowly wanting fading away, I don’t talk to anyone, for I fear they will think I am feeling sorry for myself; and in some ways I suppose I am.
For years friends, family, doctors all thought maybe I was play acting a little bit on the pain issue, they did not understand how badly I hurt as I put on a front, laughing. But it is the way I have always been. Lately I can’t hide the tears anymore. The pain has left me feeling useless. I can’t stand-to do the dishes, I can’t mow the yard, I can’t pull weeds, I can’t play with my grandchildren, I can’t lift any kind of weight, I can’t go to the movies, I can’t get out of lawn chairs, I have to hold on to the wall and the sink to go to lower myself to the toilet, I can’t get in and out of the bathtub without almost falling all the time, I can barely get in and out of the car without falling out on my face. But I CAN feel sorry for myself. I will never be able to climb the Great Wall of China, I will never be able to go bike riding, I will never be able to jog, I will never be able to play tag or hide and seek again, I will never be able to fly long distances in a plane, I will never be able to go on long walks on the beach or otherwise.
The pain in my knees becomes so unbearable at times, the doctor won’t give me pain killers, saying I will become addicted to them. She gives me 30 and thinks that I am taking two a day for two months. According to mathematics, that does not compute.
I wake up 21 times a night in so much pain I am crying in my sleep. No one believes me, so I have begun to shut myself off from the world. I’m so tired from lack of sleep, I have become depressed, I cry all the time when I am alone. I still put on a front around people, if I have to be around people. I don't want to talk to my kids--I want to be left alone.
You think I should go to the doctor? I am trying; it is not a matter of money, but other extenuating circumstances.
I am not asking for advice by writing this, I am trying to purge my depression. I want to be a productive person again and I think by writing, I will be more able to become free of the hold of the depression has taken on me. Getting it out, letting others know, you are not alone. I am a strong person, just having a moment of weakness.